One of the biggest questions about my transition has been about my name. Why did I choose Brixton? What the hell is Brixton? My favorite was…”Why couldn’t you choose something I can remember?” Or “don’t get complicated and start giving yourself random names. And don’t choose a white name!” That’s a classic.
But there’s nothing random about my name at all. And what exactly is a “white name?” When was race considered a factor in how you name yourself or someone else? I happen to think Brixton Jaxx Treviño has a beautiful ring to it.
I surely wasn’t going to choose Jose, Juan, or Pedro just because it sounded better with Treviño.
I chose Brixton because it has a lot to do with my childhood and a part of me that is a huge part of life and identity.
When I was about 10 years old I had these horrible recurring nightmares that would keep me awake all night sometimes. I was so scared of these dreams that I didn’t even want to sleep because I knew I would have the same dream every night. This went on for a couple of years. I never told anyone about them because the one time I tried to tell someone, they made fun of me, played pranks on me, and just told me to get over it because it was just a dream. But I was a kid, and having the same horrible dream night after night gets exhausting and took a toll on me mentally. Still does today. I never figured out why I was having these dreams. Maybe it was God preparing me for the future. Maybe it was a “sign.” Guess I’ll never know.
So….these dreams were about Batman. Yes, the super hero. Only thing is…he was NOT a hero in my dreams. He was evil. He was a mass murderer, serial killer, rapist, arsonist, and a stalker. Every dream was a little different. But every dream had the same theme. Batman was trying to kill me. Before these dreams I used to watch the Batman cartoon series all the time. I don’t know if this triggered it though because I would picture a real life Batman in his black suit. Never did I see a cartoon version in blue yellow. Long story short, I was terrified of Batman from then on.
Until I watched the Batman Begins movie. How I worked up the courage to watch it, I have no idea. But I know I definitely didn’t watch it until years later after the dreams were long gone. I might have been around 14 years old when I first saw it. And it was because the Dark Knight was in theatres at the time. When I watched the movie, I learned about Bruce Wayne and how he became Batman. In my eyes, I saw him conquer his fear of bats by becoming fear itself and using it to his advantage. He was terrified of bats the same way I was terrified of him. But he used his weakness and turned it into a strength.
I learned a valuable lesson from watching that movie. And it is now a mantra that I now live by every single day. “Never let fear keep you from chasing your dreams. Conquer your fear and create a strength from it.” And you will hear me say that a lot. I truly believe these words with all my heart.
Growing up, I was so scared of rejection and abandonment. I never wanted to disappoint anybody. And if I knew that I had, it would tear my world apart. So I was always scared of being my true self because I knew that I would disappoint a lot of people. I wouldn’t say so much that I put my happiness on hold for other people. I was a very happy kid, don’t get me wrong. I had a great childhood despite some things I kept bottled up. And I kept these feelings to myself because I didn’t want to hurt the people that I loved. But all these feelings I had internalized within myself rose to the surface at one point and it broke me.
I went through the worst depression. I did the therapy, meds, group therapy and had three different diagnoses for mental disorders. It was the worst time of my life. And this is when I started to realize that something wasn’t right. Everything I knew and loved was stripped from me and I had no where to turn and nobody to turn to. I was lost in my own skin.
When I came to realize that I was trans, I started thinking about a different name I could use. I’ve never really identified with my birth name. I just went with it just because it was my name. No other explanation for that.
But while I was thinking about names I couldn’t find anything that I thought could fit me. Then I started thinking about Bruce Wayne. I wanted something that represented my love for Batman. I thought, maybe Bruce? No way! I’d feel like I was 60 years old with shiny head and silver beard. Maybe Wayne? Nah. THAT is a “white name.” Tall white guy with a long neck and cowboy boots. Then I took to Google. And searched up “different names for Bruce.” And behold! Revelation!
I learned through my search that there was a man by the name of Robert the Bruce who was the King of Scots during the High Middle Ages. During his reign he led Scotland in a war against England to regain Scotland’s independence as a country. Today he is seen as a national hero in Scotland.
The Bruce clan derived their name from the French de Brus, the lands now called Brix in Normandy, France. The Scottish and English families both descended from Robert de Brus who came to England in 1106.
So even though the Bruce family may or may not have originated in Brix, Manche in France. There is still a huge correlation between the name Bruce and the village of Brix. Which is what brought me to derive my name from this families history. I love to learn about history, no matter what country. It’s all very interesting right?! And I’m convinced that I was destined to stumble upon this information. I love my new name and the history behind it. Both my history and Clan Bruce from Scotland. Robert the Bruce is reveled as hero in many hearts. And Bruce Wayne/Batman is a hero in my heart. That’s the only connection I needed to know that my name is Brix and it has a ‘ton’ of history behind it. Clever I know.
Anyway! Thanks for reading! Hope I didn’t bore you with a little history lesson.