Week 2 is in the books!
It’s been a bit of a roller coaster but has turned out to be alright.
So shot day was Saturday. Then our son’s football game and work right after. Bad idea! My wife and I were dog tired. And work was HELL that night.
We finally get home to so much needed rest. But throughout the entire weekend and into the beginning of the week, I can’t seem to get enough sleep and rest. I have no energy at all. I was supposed to start a workout regimen on Monday and yeah, that didn’t happen. I started to think my hormones were off balance and was really anxious for a little bit. I just told myself to ride it out and see what happens.
On top of a little anxiety was a lot more stress. We had a knock at our door from an unexpected person. No fair warning. No phone call. So there really was no backing out of this bad situation.
And yes, it was pretty bad. And they sure did manage make me feel even worse then I was feeling. Saying things like “I don’t care about you. I don’t even know who you are anymore.” And then mocking my name change and saying I was supposed to keep my initials and pick a name that was similar to my birth name. Uhh NO! And the names they were suggesting were just downright stupid. They said these made-up names to make fun of me and put me down. I know this person too well, this was not just fun and games. They were making fun of me. And with the help of the other people in the vehicle. So I felt like I was being cornered. On my own property! In front of MY house. I felt so small and defenseless. But I stuck it out with a smile until they left. Then I broke down. I felt so defeated. This is the first time I’ve had real negative reactions about my transition. Up to this point, everything has just been confusion and a lot of questioning. But nothing like this.
I explained to my wife what happened and she gave me a little pep talk that made me feel a lot better. But the entire day, I was sick to my stomach and could barely eat anything. Thankfully though, my week started to turn around.
After that day, I started feeling better and better. Kids had softball and football games. We did a little bit of travelling which always allows me to reflect and sort out my feelings and thoughts. I love the road for that. It feels like an open canvas to just let my thoughts wonder until I am at ease and my mind isn’t wrecked. Kind of like writing. Most days my brain runs a million miles per hour with thoughts and feelings about EVERYTHING. Good and bad. Wonderful and horrible. Even random stuff that has nothing to do with me or my current situation. It’s horrible to deal with but the road helps me stay calm.
Throughout the end of the week, things were looking up and I was back to myself. I felt well rested, we finally got a night off from work, everything was good and energy level was normal. I finally felt balanced.
Now to talk a little about changes. I didn’t have much really. I think about changes so much and so often that it’s getting to me. I need to figure out how to put it in the back of my head and just let nature take it’s course. I love this journey that I am on towards building my true self. But I feel like I have waited so long for this and I want these changes to come quickly so I can truly live as the real Brixton. I feel it in my heart and soul. I just don’t see it in the mirror yet. I want my voice to drop. I want my facial hair to come in so I can have my first shaving experience. I want my eyebrows to grow thicker so I can actually shape them. Because right now they’re almost nonexistent. So there’s no point in doing anything to them. I want my chest to be flat. I want my hips to go away. I know all of these take time. But thinking about them so much I think I’m starting to imagine changes and this is not good for me. Though it is quite hilarious the way it plays out and how I figure out that these changes are not reply changes. It just stings a little bit knowing that I still gotta wait.
So in the middle of the week we were at work and ended up eating Taco Bell for dinner. For those of you that don’t know…TB sells some delicious but greasy Mexican tacos that are full of spices. Needless to say, it’s a recipe for that dreaded heart burn. Now I hardly EVER get heart burn so I can eat these tacos all damn night if I wanted to. But! My mind decided to play tricks on me this time around. About an hour after eating, I get this burning, itching feeling in the back of my throat. I immediately texted my wife this…
Yeah I watch too many YouTube videos. She acted like she was excited for me but she knew what was up. It was just heart burn. I told her that if it was gone by the morning, I would agree that it was heart burn.
Well…my heart burn was gone by the time we woke up the next day. And my voice? Still squeaky. Ughhhhhh!
Now…hair! Specifically leg hair…another dirty mind trick. This morning after work, I showered and shaved my legs, arms, pits, then moisturized as always. Went to bed, woke up, got dressed and put on a brand new pair of black underwear. (Keep this detail in mind.)
On our drive to our sons game I was looking at my freshly shaved legs and noticed super dark hair follicles that looked like my hairs were growing back in 5 times as thick as before. I mean, I would even say they looked like a bunch of black heads on my legs. Yeah gross I know. This time, my wife agreed with me. She was in as much shock as I was. My hairs were already growing back! And I am going to be one hairy mother f*cker! Wrongo.
When I got to work later, I sat on a super white, just sanitized toilet to do my business. And business is never quick so I was there for a few minutes. When I got up, I noticed the seat was blue! I looked at my ass in the mirror and saw the same black dots that I had on my legs. And I DID NOT shave my ass! I then realized…the ink in my f*cking underwear is bleeding onto my legs.
Jesuuuuuus! Can’t a guy catch a break?
What is with the mind f*ckery?
You can probably tell the only changes this week have been my level of insanity and great imagination skills. I don’t even know what else to say to that. I’m laughing at myself so I’m sure you are too. Which makes me happy. So I guess I will leave you with that…Thanks for reading!